Trigger warning- pregnancy loss.
Holidays are just different this year. 2018… I don’t even know how to describe it. Mother’s Day this year was nearly unbearable.
My thoughts over the last few months – “Ohhh, I’ll be able to announce at New Year’s!”… nope. “Ohhh, it’ll be fun to announce on Valentine’s Day”… no again. “Ah, a St Patty’s Day announcement would be cute!” But no, again. It’s so hard to wait on God’s timing and not our own… I had been tracking daily and obsessing over any potential symptom, cervical fluid, etc! We prayed for and wanted a baby so so badly. All of us – especially Everette.
Another month rolled around. “Ok yes! Here we go!” Sunday April 1st was Easter and April Fools Day! No tricks this year though! We’d go to church and then gather with our family and celebrate the resurrection of Jesus! I love love love Easter but this was heavy on my heart and mind. During communion I saw a pregnant mama and started to cry. I wished it was me! We’d been trying to conceive for 5 months. My app said I could take the test as soon as Friday. Of course even if we found out that early we wouldn’t share the news yet but it would be fun for us to find out on Easter! I did take one ASAP but it was negative. I was discouraged but Adam said -just wait a few more days!- I was so sad that it would be another month (or many!) before we got our big fat positive.
A few anxious days passed. I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to use my first pee of the day so I woke up at 4:30am and took a test on Tuesday 4/3. I couldn’t even stand it. My heart was beating out of my chest as I waited for the timer on my phone to wind down.
And then I read the word “PREGNANT!” I almost couldn’t believe it. I read it and read it again. I couldn’t contain my excitement and wait to tell him in a cute pinterest-y way. I woke adam up and showed it to him. We laughed and cried. This was it! This was the pregnancy we’d been praying for! I tried to go back to sleep but that wasn’t happening!
Everette has literally asked for and prayed for a baby multiple times a day for many many many months. I immediately started planning how we’d tell him. I ordered a “big bro” shirt on Amazon. I washed and dried it and had it ready to go! We’d get him a book and maybe another kind of gift too – and be sure to record it! He would be so excited! But we knew we wanted to wait. He is so so so tender hearted and so smart. We knew we wanted to hear the baby’s heartbeat before we told him!
For some reason this was heavy on my heart. It was like subconsciously I knew something wasn’t right. But I was so happy to be pregnant that I tried to push away those anxious and scary thoughts. I don’t know if it’s because I knew on some level that something wasn’t okay or because I know more than I did when I conceived Everette. I’ve seen a lot as a doula and have read even more!
My mom and I had our annual Mother’s Day trip to Mexico planned and paid for! I didn’t want to tell her my big pregnancy news so early but we’d have to reschedule our trip. I didn’t want to risk contracting Zika with my newly conceived baby and even if we went and I didn’t have anything to drink she’d find that to be very suspicious! I ordered her the cutest bracelet “my greatest blessings call me Mimi” and it had two birth stones – July for Everette and December for our sweet new addition. She was so excited when I gave it to her! “I knew it!” She said. Mexico was out but we didn’t care!
It is so fun having a secret with just your spouse! We kept Everette’s pregnancy a secret til nearly 12 weeks. We broke the news to our parents and grandparents separately with little personalized gifts. We didn’t tell friends or extended family. This time was a little different. A few very close friends knew we were trying and I couldn’t contain my excitement! I did the opposite of what we did with Everette. I shared my excitement with a few friends. The first time around we kept a secret because that’s what you’re “supposed to do” incase of a loss or something. I never ever feared a pregnancy loss or even considered that it could happen to me. Until it did.
I was feeling every bit of early pregnancy – exhaustion, loss of appetite, nausea – and literally loving every minute of it! I was so so so elated to be pregnant. I didn’t want to rush it along but I couldn’t wait to tell Everette, but thankfully we never did. On Saturday 4/14 I woke up to early to pee. I didn’t flush because everyone was sleeping. Around 7ish when we all woke up for good, I peed again and wiped. Blood. Bright red, fresh, blood. I noticed there was blood in the toilet from my earlier trip to the bathroom too. DON’T PANIC. I was panicking. Everette was running around playing and Adam was waking up slowly – stretching in the bedroom & talking to bearsy. I called for him and he came right in. I showed him and his face fell. I think we both knew what was happening but didn’t know how to say it.
We cancelled our plans for volunteer that morning and I stayed in bed. I didn’t want to exert myself and mentally I was drained. I was worried and googling like crazy. Some websites said early bleeding/spotting was super normal and others said a miscarriage was imminent. The Midwife Center was closed because it was the weekend, but I am Facebook friends with the amazing midwife who caught Everette so I messaged her. I did the whole “I hate to bother you but…” and she was so kind and compassionate. She reassured me that this could be normal and that I could get an ultrasound and blood work drawn on Monday. I was so thankful for her response! She even gave me her cell to call or text if I needed to. (And thank God she did because I DID need her!)
The next two weeks were a blur. I was so sick – heart sick and head sick. The anxiety was unbelievable. If you know me, you know I am an anxious person. It’s part of who I am, but THIS was unreal.
The first ultrasound was concerning and sad but didn’t give a definitive answer. Maybe timing was slightly off and I wasn’t as far along as we thought. Bloodwork numbers seemed good. 29,000+ and 49,000+ hcg levels two days apart. Hopeful. Then the wait continued. The anxiety was nearly too much to endure.
Finally the day of our 2nd ultrasound came. The office was crazy busy and even though we had an appointment, we waited an extra 30 minutes or so. I was comforted when I saw a mama that I’ve met a few times and chatted with quite a bit, working. I was hoping she’d do the ultrasound. Instead we got another woman, which was fine. There was almost dead silence during ultrasound which was odd because the office was so busy. No small talk with the tech- nothing. I asked Adam what he saw and he said he wasn’t sure. The tech was extremely quiet. She only said two words “I’m sorry.”
We went across the hall to wait for a doctor. The giant door was cracked open and I was trying to tell myself I was okay. Three giant tears fell when I saw an expectant big brother, a little older than Everette, in the halls with his mom and Dad. Adam sat quietly. There wasn’t anything to say. The room was really cold. I sat into the deeply backed chairs. I noticed the fake white silk flowers on the wooden table with a matching painting above it. The doctor kept it short and sweet. She was direct but compassionate and I was really thankful for that. This wasn’t a viable pregnancy and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. “These things just happen,” she said.
I had myself convinced that I’d be okay with either outcome… but I wasn’t… I’m still not.
The first night I had so many nightmares.
The first day after the sonogram and heartbreaking news I was alone with bearsy all day. The weather was cold and rainy. Adam was working a ton of overtime. I fought off sadness and tears all day while allowing Everette to watch way more tv than I’d ever consider to be okay. We watching a “new” movie – Stuart Little. What a terrible choice. It was all about a little boy wanting a sibling… a little brother… after that we turned of Daniel Tiger. The episodes were ALL ABOUT Daniel’s mother having a baby… and Daniel being a big brother… and then baby Margaret’s birth… I couldn’t help but quietly cry.
Two miserable days passed before I had to go to Mercy for a d&c. I am not a hospital person and I was so nervous, scared, worried, etc etc etc. Adam was a perfect rock. The nurses were so sweet and full of compassion. They hugged me. They all said how sorry they were. Dr. Bummer was amazing. He was the most gentle and soft spoken man. I felt so blessed to be cared for by him and all of the staff.
I am so thankful for all of the love and support. I’m so thankful for the care I received from The Midwife Center, especially from Ann.
It’s all kind of a blur. So much anxiety and so many tears.
The doctor, nurses, and midwives all said I could still go and enjoy Mexico so we went. It was a great trip with my mom and my son but to be honest, I would’ve rather been at home and pregnant.
Mother’s Day was especially heartbreaking this year.
Today is a whole new level of sadness. We should be hearing our baby’s heartbeat today – not having a check up after a miscarriage and medical procedure… I didn’t write this story for sympathy or pity – but your prayers and kind words are much appreciated. It’s unbelievable how many sweet mamas have reached out to me. I’m so sorry for any mama who has gone through this.
I don’t know what the next few days, weeks, or months will look like for me or my family but I am trusting in God. His plans are so good even when they feel so dark. I’m sure there will be a rainbow after this dark storm.